Monthly Archives: June 2008

Levelling Out

It’s been a tough month but I feel that I’m levelling out now. My sleep has returned and my emotions are stable and straight. No more rollercoasters!

I think the hardest part was not having someone I felt I could talk to, and my wife again came through for me and we have had some deep discussions that have helped me to restore my faith in my life and future.

Also, thanks to all that have emailed me and comments on my posts.

Let’s work towards better days!

Losing my grip

I think that I’ve arrived in a very bad place.

I can’t describe it, but I’m angry for no apparent reason… I have harsh feelings for those I love and my life seems to be tearing itself apart from the inside.

I’m lost.

It’s been a couple of days now, maybe a week, that I’ve felt I was losing control. Not in a physical sense but I’ve been extremely hard on my wife and I don’t know why.

It’s just… hard… I feel as though I don’t know where I am any more.

It’s almost 2 years since my cancer diagnosis. And I am living with this every day, every moment. Despite the assuarances that I have the least virulent type of OM, I find it weighing more and more on my mind and the actions that I can manage.

Am I trying to push everyone away so that when my death comes I won’t have to worry about being mourned by the ones I love?

Patient? Victim? Survivor? Left-over?

Where did my place go in the great cosmic understanding of life?

As I read this back to myself I understand that I am losing grip…. I need a rest… I am so tired. Just tired.

But when does rest come?