Losing my grip

I think that I’ve arrived in a very bad place.

I can’t describe it, but I’m angry for no apparent reason… I have harsh feelings for those I love and my life seems to be tearing itself apart from the inside.

I’m lost.

It’s been a couple of days now, maybe a week, that I’ve felt I was losing control. Not in a physical sense but I’ve been extremely hard on my wife and I don’t know why.

It’s just… hard… I feel as though I don’t know where I am any more.

It’s almost 2 years since my cancer diagnosis. And I am living with this every day, every moment. Despite the assuarances that I have the least virulent type of OM, I find it weighing more and more on my mind and the actions that I can manage.

Am I trying to push everyone away so that when my death comes I won’t have to worry about being mourned by the ones I love?

Patient? Victim? Survivor? Left-over?

Where did my place go in the great cosmic understanding of life?

As I read this back to myself I understand that I am losing grip…. I need a rest… I am so tired. Just tired.

But when does rest come?